"I don't want my kids to be little robots who just do what I tell them to, I want them to understand why."
"How can I help my kids do the right thing for the right reason? I don't want them to obey just to avoid getting in trouble, or to get something they want; how do I address the heart issue at the root of their misbehavior? How do I teach them to obey from the heart?"
Common questions, asked by deeply concerned parents. They want to make sure their kids don't grow up thinking that love and acceptance depend on good behavior. Adults know from experience how easy it is to fall into this kind of thinking, or to become self-righteous, justifying yourself and judging others.
We want our kids to know that God loves them and accepts them as they are, and we know that it starts with us. We worry that expecting good behavior will color their ability to understand this, that we'll damage them if we discipline and correct them.
The thing is, we can't actually know how the things we do and say as parents will ultimately affect our children. We can't see into their hearts. We don't know their thoughts or their motives. Only God knows them inside and out.
The truth of this fact should bring us great comfort; we know we aren't going to do everything right, we know that in spite of our best efforts we're going to make mistakes. But we also know that God loves our children, even more than we do; we have to trust him.
Of course this doesn't free us of the responsibility to care for and teach them, and there's a lot that we can do to influence and shape the things they love and their ability to learn the ways of God.
It begins, of course, with demonstrating our love and affection by caring for their physical needs, holding them, smiling and conversing and laughing with them. This is the easy part, and most of us do it quite naturally.
The difficulty comes in the way we correct them and teach them how to behave. We worry about punishing them, belittling them, or unintentionally damaging them through thoughtless words or actions. And the fact is, as I said above, we're likely to make some of these mistakes.
But it would also be a mistake to withhold correction. The Proverbs have a lot to say about this, but basically, correcting and even chastising or punishing a child is part and parcel of our love for them. God himself shows his love for us through correction and discipline.
When we teach our kids how to behave, correct them when they mess up, and punish them with consequences when they disregard or intentionally disobey our instructions, we're giving them the opportunity to learn valuable life lessons. For example, accepting responsibility for their actions, self-denial, humility, and the importance of forgiveness when our relationship with them remains loving in the face of their wrongdoing.
There is nothing like the pain of correction and discipline to help us recognize our need for forgiveness and love, and to soften our hearts to the work of God's grace and mercy.
It doesn't require lengthy explanations of doctrine, nor do you have to memorize a series of verses to say each time you discipline your child. There's nothing wrong with that, of course, but the strange thing is that it's the pain of correction that goes most deeply into the heart, and brings about the most significant change. (See Hebrews 12: 11)
We must pray for the ability to discipline our children without fear of the pain it causes, because the pain is temporary--the pain is what leads to the joy of restoration and forgiveness. (See Ps. 119: 7 and Ps. 51)
Are you feeling stuck, knowing that you need to do something about your child's behavior but not sure where to begin? Here's a resource you may find useful: It's my FREE guide, Consequences and How to Use Them. This is a list of age-appropriate consequences, and a guide that explains, step-by-step how to implement them calmly and consistently.
Have you found yourself yelling at your kids because they just WON'T listen and do what you say, then you feel terrible about it? Would you like to change this cycle? Click here to get my 20 minute video, How to Stop Yelling at Your Kids.
Learn WHY you yell, so you don't feel the need to do it!
Please visit my website, kayewilsonparenting.com for more resources and support in your efforts to bring up kids who love God and obey their parents!
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