In my last post, I urged you to stop "whatever works" parenting, which means using anything you can, to keep your kids temporarily quiet and occupied; the point was to urge you to not make a habit of using tech or TV, but instead to help kids learn to occupy themselves with other things.
But what about really challenging behaviors, for example, being disrespectful, deceitful, disruptive, or simply refusing to obey, over and over again? What if, no matter what you do, no matter how strict you try to be with consequences or how consistent, nothing changes?
What do you do when you've tried everything you can think of and your child's behavior simply will not change?
First:
Make sure you're teaching AND training. It's not enough to declare a rule, then when the child breaks the rule, get very stern and say "that's against the rules" with no follow-up; you have to
State the rule (making sure you've stopped the child's forward motion and made eye contact), but then you also need to
Demonstrate the behavior you're expecting, and
Practice the behavior with the child
Make sure you're using painful consequences, consistently
To be effective, consequences have to be painful and memorable; if the police simply yell at you to slow down, you'll continue speeding; if you have to pay a $300 fine, you'll think twice before doing it again. If it happens consistently when you speed for the next month, you'll stop speeding.
Don't threaten (see above), actually follow through, as difficult as it is.
Don't wait until you've "had it" and explode; just calmly and firmly write that ticket
If you've laid the foundation for the behavior you want (by instructing clearly, demonstrating exactly what the behavior looks like, and having the child practice doing it), you're using consequences pretty consistently, and there still seems to be little progress, you may just be in the middle of a long process.
It's unfortunate but true, changing behavior takes much longer than you think it should, and very often things get worse before they get better. Don't give up; maybe you need to intensify the consequence, or maybe you just need to keep at it. Many times it's a matter of endurance more than anything; you have to outlast your child!
It's much easier for them to stay focused on what they want than for you to stick to the program! Your life is filled with responsibilities of all kinds, and their minds are filled with what they want. When we say "no," they double-down on their determination to outlast us, to "win" the contest of wills.
You MUST outlast them if you hope to change stubborn behaviors.
Even more important, you MUST keep doing what's right, even (and especially) if they continue to do what is wrong.
And here's the kicker: You must NEVER stop correcting bad behavior, no matter how tough things get, and whether or not your child decides to change his behavior, because THIS message must be clear: "My child, if you choose to behave in a destructive, disrespectful, or defiant way, in disregard for the legitimate authorities in your life, bad things WILL happen."
There are kids that never seem to "get it" until they're adults; they resist and refuse the whole time they're living with their parents. My sincerest sympathy is with these parents, because it can be a long, hard slog.
My advice for these parents is to work at being as dispassionate as possible, and try to remember it's really not as personal as it feels; remember the Prodigal Son, continue loving and praying for your child, and focus on strengthening your marriage, your friendships, your other children, and your life. Refresh your memory of ways in which God has shown himself faithful to you and to others in the past, and continue to put your hope in him!
Every single child is unique in some ways, but all are the same in this: we all want our own way, none of us wants to be corrected or told what to do, and we'll persist in doing things that harm us and others unless someone (or something) stops us, or unless we have a change of heart. More on that in another post.
If you need help being consistent, set up a call with me. I can help.
A resource you might find useful is the short video, How to Stop Yelling at Your Child. Click here to find out more.
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Kaye, this is such a helpful post. Our beautiful four-year-old has struggled since he was three with definant behavior, but we’ve been consistent and are starting to see changes. Your encouragement for parents to preserve is so dang helpful.
It’s good to hear that sometimes it’s a long road, and the best thing we can do is stick to our guns and pray for God to continue his work in us and our children. My most effective prayer this past year has been for God to Gamow me how he married discipline and love and to help me mirror his goodness towards us.
Anyway, thank you, as always, for sharing your hard-win wisdom.